Who are you? Those three simple syllables can dictate the best or worst first impression. You probably expect an answer like my name, where I’m from, and my age to finish it off. But now, I’m expected to look back into my life and realize who I am now; as I am a growing individual learning more about myself every day. I can’t put down an exact answer for you because that might take some time to reflect upon myself. *Sighs* I am expected to talk about who I am and … currently I’m a bit… conflicted?
Now you may be looking at me like I am insane. (ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴍᴏʀᴇ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ᴀᴛ ᴛʜᴇ sᴄʀᴇᴇɴ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴀʙᴏᴜᴛ ᴍᴇ).
Epitome of Disorder.
How can someone be an embodiment of chaos? Well, great question, folks… in just a short amount of time, you will get a better understanding of what goes on in my chaotic mind and where it all stems from very soon. You will see how I have come to a point where I cannot maintain pure stability. My life has been filled with mini catastrophic events that have shaped me today, just like a person amidst a major character development in life.
Yes, because I am the main character.
I was a person who tried to hide under a facade, wanting the fit in within my friends. I was inconsiderate to the idea that other people had differing ideas, and by concealing my past and being this ‘perfect doll,’ I can be supported by others.
I was a person who tried to hide my feelings from others, always feeling hostile towards the idea of vulnerability. I was never taught by my parents how to be comfort others; I only relied on reading novels and watching my friends comfort one another.
I was a person who feared abandonment. The idea of people entering and leaving my life on their freewill frightened me. I believe in avoiding this ‘fear,’ I must leave others behind to overcome it, but from experience, I had concluded that I still long for that connection, whoever breaks the relationship off first.
I was a person who chose to hide from others. I was so ashamed of my ethnicity, culture, religion, and skin colour growing up. I was always surrounded by these Caucasian people and was the only person of colour. I never told my friends about my childhood, parents, or siblings because I was afraid they might judge me.
I was a person who put others’ feelings on top of their own. I felt like a burden towards others, pushing them with my emotions. I want to make sure that the other person is in the right mindset (not overwhelming with other personal issues) before I go off on a whole tangent. Sometimes, it’s difficult to express myself when I am pressured by other people’s issues.
And you might be asking why are you doing this to yourself?
Well you see, because I’m quirky. ᴵ’ᵐ ʲᵒᵏᶦⁿᵍ, ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵗᵃᵏᵉ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ˡᶦᵗᵉʳᵃˡˡʸ
I can’t express myself properly. I have the tendency to say that ‘I’m okay’ to others because I don’t have a valuable reason to excuse my sadness. So much can influence my anguish; however, once I attempt to talk about it, all my reasons vanish, leaving me with the response of “I’m okay.” I attempt to reach out only to be given the same results from everyone: “to pray more.” As a Muslim person who prays religiously, that isn’t always the answer and it’s irritating if that’s the ‘only logical way’ to distress.
I struggled with being vulnerable. Growing up, I was never exposed to the idea of vulnerability and was always taught to hide my emotions from others. It was like I was told being vulnerable was a crime. My older brother was scolded every time he was ‘vulnerable’ so I adopted those customs to please my parents to avoid getting yelled at. So putting up a facade to conceal me emphasizes the idea that I’m trying to fulfill my parents’ expectations. Now, my older brother has become this strong person who doesn’t show emotions towards others anymore and I’m afraid that I might become that person.
I tend to address problems at that moment. In times of distress, I often approach the obstacle and make horrible decisions ʷʰᶦᶜʰ ᶦ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᶦˢⁿ’ᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ᵇᵉˢᵗ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴱⱽᴱᴿʸᴼᴺᴱ ᴹᴬᴷᴱˢ ᴹᴵˢᵀᴬᴷᴱˢ. Most times, people take time to reflect on adversities at hand; however, I panic and make a decision, regretting my action the moment after. I try to make the ‘best’ decision possible at the moment without hurting others. Those little white lies detriment my relationship with that person.
But now
I am trying to express myself more toward my friends ᵒʳ ᵃᵗ ˡᵉᵃˢᵗ ˡᶦˢᵗᵉⁿᵉᵈ ᵗᵒ ᵐᵉ. Even though it isn’t the most comfortable position to be in, I can only get better with experience. When I first met my friends, I still held my ground around them, keeping that distance from them. You can ask them how horrible I was at being vulnerable. Now, I strive to express myself with no fear (it’s a work in progress right now).
I am trying to become a more caring (more to myself) and confident person. Starting Grade 12 was scary because I had to decide what I am doing for the rest of my life once I finish high school. That is a constant anxious feeling when my parents expect so much from me. I always had to hold my head up and worry about what’s ahead of me, not caring about my present self. I want to be a confident person entering university and not be dragged back by my ‘insecurities’ per se.
I am trying to address adversities and not make irrational decisions on the spot. Knowing that one choice can change my future, I must take the opportunity to fully understand this situation. Taking that step back before spreading while lies are crucial to prevent any further damage to the relationship.